Confused...

Ahhh I so am confused right now bout some things. I always end up doing this to myself n it sucks. I have been talking to that guy Adam for a few months now n I have gotten to know alot about him n we get along so great. I have gotten real close to him n i care alot about him. We have been talking bout meeting alot n haven't yet cause stuff gets in the way but I still feel like were suppose to meet just at the right time. Maybe we just need to sort through sum things first IDK..I do know that I am falling for him n i do love him already n yeah that sounds crazy but I cant help it. Hes a great person n no one has ever made me feel the way he does. I cant stop thinking bout him no matter what, hes on my mind all day. When hes hurting I'm hurting. I hate it when I cant be there for him n help him. All I want is to be apart of his life n help him be happy. Us both to be happy. I just don't know though how it will all work if we do try to get together because of our situation how we live n all that stuff. That part is hard. He says he really wants to be with me, that he wants me to be his n no one Else's n I want that to, so bad.. I told him that I loved him n he means alot to me n surprisingly he told me he loved me n he feels the same way. That he wants me to be with him. Its crazy how all of a sudden he just tells me all this stuff, its like b/c I told him i loved him it opened up a new door to what we have with each other.. I just hope that we meet like real soon and we can see how things will go from there n then ill know what I am going to do. He has been going through alot of stuff lately n he pretty much didn't talk to me for a week n shut me out of his life cause he was in so much pain n i figured he didn't like me or want me anymore so i started really talking to someone else n now I kinda like him too. We have been talking like maybe 4 or 5 days now alot like all day getting to know each other n everything n now hes crazy bout me bad n i do like him but i don't really know him. hell hes 9 hrs away from me, at least Adam is only 1/ but hes talking bout moving here again cause he use to live here but I just don't know..We have so much in commom its crazy..Ahh I am so confused now cause I like 2 guys but the diff is is that i already love Adam n i have been so crazy bout him since the day we started talking n i cant make those feelings go away..Ahhh the things i do to get myself in these kind of situations. I hope I can figure out what i want soon. I know once I meet them both ill know but I don't want anyone to get hurt n i know someone will n that's gonna hurt me.Ahh Im just so confused right now n i dont want to make the wrong chpice ya know cause i am tired of gettin hurt .

Depression Sucks!

Awww life can be so hard sometimes. I love the holidays but i hate all the stress that comes along with it. The worry of tryin to make sure the bills are paid n trying to come up with money to get my kids some christmas. Its so hard. Doing all this alone is really hard n it gets old sometimes. Being alone for the holidays this yr is gonna be really hard. I am not use to being alone, i mean i have my kids that I am thankful for but not having that someone to spend time with is hard. I just really want my kids to have a good christmas n so far its not looking to good. I havent gotten them the first thing cause i have no money to do it. If their dad would pay me the cs he owes i might could but that pos hasnt yet n its really pissin me off. Its not right for him to be that mean n do them that way. Its not fair that they have to do without cause hes so damn selfish n only cares bout his own needs n not them. Ahhh I swear I cant believe the losers that I have picked in my life. I just wish i could find the right one to make me happy. i have been talkin to this one guy for a few months now and I really do like him alot. We get along great, we have some things in common, he makes me smile like crazy n laugh alot till my face hurts. Ahh I think bout him all day, always on my mind,..but I still havent gotten to meet him yet n thats drivin me crazy. He says he really wants to meet me but sometimes I wonder ya know. Everytime we plan to meet something always comes up n Im starting to wonder if maybe thats a sign or something. I dont wanna feel like im waisting my time cause I care alot about him n I could see something bein there between us, who knows. I just dont know anymore, im really confused. I just dont wanna wait forever to meet someone that I really like n just wanna be close to n get to know better. Like right now he is going through so much crap n is really down n I just wish i could be there to hold him in my arms, just to show him that i do care n i am there for him no matter what. N even if something great dont happen between us like I wish I am still thankful that God has put him in my life n that at least i made a friend. I am scared of lettin another guy back into my heart but I am willing to take a chance cause I know I cannot sit here waiting forever for that great guy just cause i am to afraid of gettin hurt by someone. I wanna take chances n if it dont work out then well thats another chapter in my book that Ill get through. I just know that I really do like Adam n I am willing to take a chance on him cause I think he is worth it. I think he is just as lost n messed up as i am lol n maybe were good for each other and can help each other out. who knows...I just wish he lived closer cause then it would be easier..But anyways....I just hope some things work out for me cause im tired of worrying bout so much crap. I just wanna be happy for once in my life.

Tired of Everything!!

Just Tired of Everything!I just honestly dont know how to feel anymore. Im so confused and hurt. I try to stay positive n not let things get to me but damn its been so hard here lately. I have had to deal with so much shit that I really dont know how much more I can honestly take anymore. Im just fed up. Im tired of all the bs n I just want things in my life to be better n be happy. For the first time in my life since I was 16 I have been alone without a bf for almost 7 months now n most the time i am fine. But sometimes its really hard bein alone n not havin that special someone there to hold u n talk to you when u really need someone, when u just wanna be held n feel like everything will be alright. But I have no one. Honestly no one really wants me, they just want a piece of ass n Im just tired of bein used n im not gonna be anymore. I would rather be alone for the rest of of my life than put up with some guys bs n just be used n treated like shit. Im so over all that crap. My heart is still broken n i know I am not ready for a relationship yet though. I dont really trust anyone with my heart anymore, its been hurt so damn much. I am really tryin to take time for myself for once in my life n trying to heal myself before i jump into anything again. Im scared as hell to be hurt again n yes I know u have to take chances n not let the fear get to you but its so hard. Ahhh I just wanna cry so bad but I cant. I just wanna scream so bad but I cant do that either. Will i ever feel whole again or will I always just feel broken??. There is so much i wanna do for myself n for my kids but its so hard.. I wanna show my kids that i am a strong person n be a good mother to them, but sometimes I break down n they see it n I feel bad. They have been through so much cause alot of mistakes that I have made in my life n i dont want them bein hurt anymore either. Ahhhhh...anyways...I saw Blake today n talked to him in person n ahh i have to say this bout him..He LOOKED like SHIT..haha..Why was I ever attracted to that POS. Who knows!!! But yeah..Even though i am over Blake he still finds a way to hurt me n Im sick of it. Its really not the part bout him n Hannah n how he claims he so happy n they r so great together, I could care less bout that bs. Its the fact that he can be right next to his daughter n see how beautiful she is n you can tell he could really care less to see her at all. I said isnt she beautiful n he dont say shit I mean WTF..How can he be so fuckin heartless?? I dont get it. Shes such a precious baby n he dont even care. His first daughter n he dont care. It just tears me up inside to think bout how much he really dont care bout her. How can u make a baby n not want to be apart of her life. I know she dont deserve any of that crap, shes better off not knowing him or his family but it still bothers me n hurts me. Cause one day when shes old enough shes gonna be askin ??s n wondering why her father wasnt around n why didnt he care bout her enough...Ahh i dont have a answer to that. I ask myself that ?? evryday. Now hes saying that they are movin out of this state to get away ahhh that makes me mad cause hes running away n its not fair. If he really thinks that movin away is gonna make his life better he is stupid. He cant run away from takin care of his kids n if he tries he will get caught n trown in jail n if that happens i will laugh my head off cause he will deserve it. It would be nice if they moved away from me at least..i really dont see him movin out of state, hes an idiot. He will have his day..cause Karma is a bitch n he will feel the pain that he has put on others.

This Guy...

You know how there is one person in your life that no matter what happens between you, you will always have that place in your heart for them and will always love them. Well that person is Jamie. I don't know if I could ever stop loving him no matter how hard I try. Yeah he is a major pain in my ass sometimes but I love him. Even though were not as close as we use to be n half the time hes a ass and ignores me,I still care alot about him and I couldn't see my life without him in it. I don't think I could live without him. We have had alot of hard times and have been through alot of heartache and pain. Been through alot of shit together but when were together its like none of that ever happened. We both have changed alot over the past few years. Yeah I still get mad at him bout stupid shit but I cant help it sometimes. I fell hard for him a few yrs ago.Everytime we do anything together its still like making love to him and its so hard to not say i love you sometimes cause I get so caught up in the moment. Its crazy..lol..sometimes i do wonder if we were meant to be together one day or maybe we are meant to be just friends.Idk.. I guess my mind is thinking bout to much right now n its all confusing to me. But i know that he is like one of my best friends that I will always love n will be able to tell anything to. I would trust him with my life. So yeah, I do still love you Jamie, always will..

My Bestie

Ahh I have this best friend named Marie and I love that girl to death. I am so blessed to have her in my life. She is always there when I need her and is always helping me out when I need it. She helps watch my kids n takes good care of them. She spoils them rotten. The girls love going to her house cause they have alot of fun over there. She has 2 little girls that they can play with n her bf Mitch is goofy so he makes it fun too..lol..Shes always there to listen to me cry or bitch or just whatever my mood is, as i am for her. My life would really be boring if I didn't have her in it..She always makes me laugh n smile n feel better. So I just want to thank God for giving me such a great, wonderful friend.

sick of blake n his bs

Well I think that I just dont know how to pick good guys. My ex is one of the biggiest peices of shit I have ever met I think. If he dropped off the face of this earth I think I would be happy. Most of me wishes I had never laid eyes on his sorry ass but then I am thankful that I got such a wonderful, precious baby from him. The worst relationship I have ever had was with him. He had the worst temper n was abusive and just always made me feel like crap n like I was never good enough. And even though were broke up he still tries what he can do to just hurt me. But you know what i am not lettin him hurt me anymore. He isnt worth it. Just pisses me off that he lives across the street with some bitch he cheated on me with and he wont even come see his baby. I mean WTF ya know. He helps take care of her baby but cant come see his own. He claims she isnt his when he knows she is cause she looks just like him. He calls me yesterday just to bitch at me about something I have nothing to do with, just so he can tell me that him n that bitch are having a freakin baby together haha.. Boy she is more stupid than I thought she was.. They have been dating like 6 months now I think n are already gonna have a baby together n are suppose to get married and all that shit. Such BS to me. He just now had a baby with me who is 3 months old now and already got that bitch pregnant..He needs to get that shit chopped off cause he dont need any more kids cause he dont take care of them. He is so sorry n cant even keep a job. I waisted a yr of my life with him just so he could turn around n give his all to that bitch..Which trust me Im glad I finally got rid of him, Just wish I didnt waist so much time on him. He tells me on the phone that when I get a DNA test done to prove he is the father of Makenzie that he wants to give up his rights to her cause he dont wanna pay me any child support cause he cant afford it. He says he isnt gonna pay for seth n this baby when he is gonna have another baby. Can u believe that bs. How sorry is that to wanna give up ur rights to ur own child just like that. But I guess it is so easy for him when he has no heart at all, specially when he dont even care bout his new daughter. It does really hurt me for her cause its not fair for her to not have her dad in her life but I do know she is better off cause all he will do is hurt her cause he already is. Even his family is shitty. None of them have anything to do with Makenzie, they dont even ask how she is doing. Im sick of them all n none of them derserve to even get to see her or get to know her. I never would have thought that they would all turn out that way towards this precious baby who had done nothing..I have been nice to everyone n gave them a chance n now they can forget it. They all have missed out on so much with her. She is one of the sweetest babies ever. Has the greastest personality. Always happy n smiling n talkin like crazy. Hardly ever cries n is just soo good. Shes just so beautiful n precious. But she dont need them she has so many people that love her n take care of her so screw u Blake n ur family. She deserves a better father than his sorry ass. Maybe one day i will find me a good guy to take care of me n my kids n treat us right. i am really tired of pickin losers.

Its So Hard!!

Well things just never go how I want them to. I get all excited bout something n it falls through. I start to like someone n ahh they turn out to be a ass like most guys are these days. Everyone is just out for themselves. They honestly don't care about anyone Else's feelings. I'm just so tired of being crushed. I just wanna meet one guy who isn't like all the rest. Who is really a good person, sweet n caring n who wont hurt me. I guess I just have to be really careful who I meet n spend my time with. I'm tired of being used n I'm not letting it happen anymore. I was finally starting to feel better with life n about myself n then I let some guys get to me. Screw that shit, I'm so over it. I'm the only one who can make myself happy so that's what I gotta do.

This Guy....

Well I have been talking to this guy these past few weeks and ahhh hes so sweet. Ahhh he is so fine, hummmmm...makes me think bad things lol jk..Nah i really enjoy talking to him. I get so happy when he gets online so we can talk or when he sends me a text. He tells me I'm beautiful n sweet..me sweet, he don't know me yet haha jk. Nah I try to be nice..He just really makes me smile like crazy..I went to bed last night n woke up smiling cause of him..I know that I don't really know him very well but I do hope I get to meet him soon. I don't know what will happen between us but I do know I at least made me a new friend. And he seems like he would be a fun person to hang out with even though he might get bored with me though..lol..maybe my charm will just work lol..I so wish he was closer to me though but hes bout 45 minutes away from me so that sucks. Ahhh Adam, what a sweetheart..Hope hes really that sweet in person, which I think he is..but maybe I'll find out soon..But yeah..I have been asked out by alot of people n all that stuff but he is the only one that really sticks out. Not many people right now I care to get to know cause i don't trust to many people, I'm tired of always getting hurt. Maybe he will be one guy that wont try to hurt me in any way. I'm just glad that God sent me someone that makes me smile at least.

Update On My Life...

Well things have been going alright here lately.I have had a few bumps along the way like having to have my radiator fixed, that sucked but that's how life goes right. I am blessed that I had the money to do it. I finally got a check for child support from Rodney...whooo hooo. That made my day cause I really needed it. God always helps me when I need it. I am very blessed..Tk u God for always being there when I need you...Ahh I finally got my stuff turned in to do the DNA test for Blake, I should be getting a appt. soon for that...I'll be glad to get that done n prove to everyone that she is his baby. Not like he will care but it will make me feel better.He is the one missing out cause shes so precious. He is a idiot..I am finally feeling better bout life. I may not have someone but that's ok, I'm actually happy.I realized I can be happy without a guy. I am finally just taking time n spending it with my kids n myself. I'm free to do whatever I want without some guy telling me what I should be doing n bringing me down. Amazingly I have more confidence in myself. I have been dressing alot better n not caring what people think. They don't like me then oh well don't pay attention to me then. I'm not out to plz them just myself. I am just trying to be thankful for what I do have in life. I know I may not have much but I do have something that I worked my butt off for. At least I'm able to give my kids something. That's all that matters.

All the same

So yeah one of my friends that I have known for like 15 yrs comes back from Oregon..We have been talkin for the last 3 yrs that when he comes back this way he is going to come see me so he did the first day he was back. That kinda made me feel special. He says that he really likes me n has for a long time. Well I found myself starting to like him but now im changing my mind. He already lied bout why he moved back here, was cause he was on really bad drugs there n had to get away. But yet he was in a relationship with someone for 3 yrs n has a new 4 month old baby girl.She wouldnt come with him n his sonn I know he wants to be back with her but he is tellin me he dont, its all lies. I read one of his emails that said he couldnt wait to get back to her. I honestly think that he is just using me hoping to get some booty or something hell IDK..He acts so secretive bout everything, I mean hell if he cant trust me now then whats the point. I felt like at first that maybe he came around for a reason but now I think its just so we can be friends n be there for each other n nothing else. It just sucks that when I think I have found someone that might be different just a little bit they turn out to be just like the rest and this time I know I am not going to let myself get hurt.

Tired Of Them All

Ahhhh I swear I'm so sick of Blake n his family. No one from his family even cares about this precious baby. They act like she doesn't even exist. It ticks me off. I was going to get a DNA test done to prove he is the father but not now. Its such a waist of time. I don't even want any of them apart of her life cause if they act this way now, all they will do is hurt her n confuse her. And I'm not going to let that happen. It just breaks my heart that they don't want to be apart of their first granddaughters life. She looks so much like Blake it isn't funny. There is no way to deny he is the father. I guess pretty much he is just the sperm donor, he isn't no father at all. His mom tells me I need to leave Blake alone lol..Funny!! I don't bother that pos at all. I put one note on his door being nice n he came over here starting crap n his gf came over threatening me but im the one bothering them lol.He is the one who moved right across the street from me with some stupid bitch. would be alot better if he moved somewhere else not so close to me. Ahh i am just sick of it. I guess Makenzie will just have to grow up not knowing her father n his family. Shes probably better off that way anyways.

Ahhh Guys!!

I tell you what my ex Blake makes me soo mad. He comes over here today starting his crap with me. He hasn't come to see his daughter in almost 3 weeks cause he says he was mad at me n didn't wanna see my face. So childish. If he wanted to see his child bad enough he wouldn't care. He looks at his baby n still says she don't look like him, that shes not his n you can clearly tell how much she looks like him. It ticks me off. ARRR!! I just wanna slap him. He loves getting to me. Like he says hes getting married after dating that witch after 3 months, how stupid. She will see one day how he really is. He cant act perfect for to long no matter how it is between them. I just wish they would hurry up and move so I don't have to see their faces anymore. A part of me wants him in Makenzies life but then I just don't even want him around cause all he is going to do is hurt her. He only cares bout his self. He don't want the responsibility of being a father, its to much for him.Ahh I'm just sick of his crap.

One of those days

Ahh I am just having one of those days ya know. I woke up this morning wanting to just cry and I was sad n depressed. I had a bad dream bout someone I cant stand. It was about him having an accident and he died. Yeah I cant stand him but I don't want him dead and the thought of him dieing the way he did in my dream is upsetting. I mean I wouldn't care if I ever saw his face again cause he is a POS but I don't want him dead. It just really upset me thinking bout it. I guess I just really have alot going on right now. I'm depressed and all I really wanna do is cry right now but whats the use, it wont do me any good. I just feel so alone most the time. It seems like everything is getting to me. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone when it comes to watching my kids. It feels like they cant stand my kids and don't wanna watch them n it upsets me. No my kids aren't perfect , who's is, but they are pretty good kids most the time. I just cant stand how certain people make me feel when it comes to watching them. They don't understand it either it makes them feel unloved. Why is some of the other kids can get more attention n all the BS but its like they aren't good enough. I mean I know what that's like feeling left out n not feeling important, I don't want my kids feeling that way too. They see things and are alot smarter than they look. Anyways, Idk I just have alot on my mind bout so much crap. I just wanna move sometimes just to be away from everyone but what good would that do, I would feel more alone then. Everything is just so hard right now. Being out of work to have the baby has put me behind n not having enough money for crap sucks. And my love life sucks cause I'm so alone n I Had someone that was giving me attention till he found someone else. Wow that made me feel special. Yeah he was to young but that's besides the point, being noticed was nice. I know its best for me right now not to have someone Else's crap to deal with but its lonely too though. Someones I just wish I had someone to hold me.But yeah I guess it could be worse but still I just want it to get better for once. I'm tired of the bad n stuff breaks im getting. I just wanna be happy for once.

Guys

I swear Im starting to think that most guys are the same.That all they do is care bout themselves.Im so sick of guys crap. I have been crapped on so much and im sick of it. Guys can be so selfish.They take advantage of woman who give their all to them, who do everything to make them happy but yet its never good enough.They always expect more. I really am tired of having a broken heart by losers. I always fall for guys for the wrong reasons.When im lonely n broken I feel like I need someone and Im finally realizing that I dont need anyone to make me happy.Sure I am very lonley right now n I wish I had someone in my life but Its not worth it right now. I still cant stop hurting over someone who dont deserve crap. He is a pos.He hurt me so bad n still does and it makes me so freakin angry.I wish I could just slap him n tell him how I feel so bad but I cant. We have a precious baby girl together n he lives a minute from us and he cant even come see his child. He acts like she doesnt even exist. He spends all his time stuck up his gf's butt n spending time with her son but he wont even spend time with his daughter n get to know her, to just love on her. She needs that love from her father too. I dont want her growing up without a dad in her life but it looks like its going to be that way. I dont want him hurting her n confusing her. She deserves better than that.I just wish they would move so I dont have to see them anymore.I cant stand them bein so close to me. Im just so angry right now. I wish that I could just find me a good decent man who loves me n my kids n who will work hard n be good to us. I hope that happens one day, i know for now I just need to work on myself. I gotta loose some weight n get healed completely n get myself straight. Just take time for myself for once n have some fun in my life cause that im not use to having. I have been gettin hit on by some people so that makes me feel good.I just have to watch myself.

Bout Me

Well my name is Misty..I am almost 31 yrs old, I now have 3 kids that are all girls. I pretty much just take care of kids n work n not much of anything else. I have a really boring life. Dont get me wrong, I love my kids n I wouldnt trade them for anything in the world.But I dont get much of a break n it kinda wears ya down sometimes.Being a mom of 3 is hard. Its alot of work. I dont see how people can have more than that, gotta have more patience than I do.I guess with how stressful my life has been that makes it harder. Maybe one day it will get better. I really try my hardest right now just to try to give my kids something and be a good mom to them. But its so hard cause I dont make enough money for anything n they have to do without so much. I dont get any help from their dads really so that hurts.I cant stand men who help make a baby but cannot help take care of them. Its not fair for the child to suffer cause they are selfish pieces of crap.My dad was around some when I was younger but that all changed and now he acts like he dont give a crap bout his kids or grandkids.It hurt me for so many yrs that I didnt have a dad around like I needed. I guess thats why I have become so needy when it comes to the guys I chose. I have certain memories that I remember growing up with my dad around but I dont really remember much. I pretty much blocked out alot from when I was younger. But I realize now that I dont need him cause I have my mother there and my step dad and thats enough for me. Carl is pretty much my dad. When I was younger,I use to be such a shy girl, which dont get me wrong I still can be that way but I was pretty bad. I wouldnt talk to anyone, always kept to myself. Always to scared to do anything or what people might think. I use to get made fun of so much when I was young. It was hard growing up. Alot went on around the house that I wish I didnt have to see.I know it was hard for mom takin care of 4 kids by herself. Ahh And I complain bout 3 lol. I am very thankful that I have my mom in my life, I couldnt make it a day without her,shes my best friend.I am thankful for everything she does for me n my kids. And Im also thankful for my sisters for always bein there. specially Crystal, they have to listen to me complain n cry all the time, and Im just glad they are there to listen cause If I had no one to talk to n just had myself to complain to ahh that would drive me crazy for real. Im crazy enough as it is lol. When I was younger I pictured my life so different from how it is now. I never thought that at 30 I would be a single mom with 3 kids doing all the work by myself. I really hoped for more out of my life. Sometimes I wish I was younger again to go back n change so many things, but dont we all wish that. But I believe that no matter how mistakes we have made in our lives and the things we regret doing, it makes us who we are today and everything happens for a reason even if we dont understand why it happens the way it does. It teaches us to learn from our mistakes and to do better in life and hopefully make ourselves better persons. Course some people you just cant change no matter how bad they are.I have done alot of things in my life that I regret and wish I wouldnt have, but I know now not to make those same mistakes again. I did alot of it cause I felt lonely and needed attention no matter how I got it. Heck I was married for 13 yrs and I screwed that up in a way that I shouldnt have. Which I knew it was over before things happened the way they did but still no excuse for how it happened on both our parts.I think I got married to young and married for the wrong reasons and it just ended badly cause we were both to unhappy with our life n ourselves.I am thankful that I got 2 beautiful girls out of that relationship anyways.That I will never regret. My 3rd child wasnt planned, we werent married n wasnt dating long enough to be thinking bout kids but it happened anyways. I think God sent me her for a reason. SHes a blessing. I may be takin care of her alone but I dont care, its worth it. Just seein her precious face everyday makes it worth it. It just hurts me how he lives not a minute away and he cant even be apart of her life. It burns me up. How can you see such a precious baby u made and not want to bond with her n let her get to know you.But as I look at it its his loss. I am thankful that Rodney gets the girls when he should at least, wish I could say the same for Blake.