Confused...

Ahhh I so am confused right now bout some things. I always end up doing this to myself n it sucks. I have been talking to that guy Adam for a few months now n I have gotten to know alot about him n we get along so great. I have gotten real close to him n i care alot about him. We have been talking bout meeting alot n haven't yet cause stuff gets in the way but I still feel like were suppose to meet just at the right time. Maybe we just need to sort through sum things first IDK..I do know that I am falling for him n i do love him already n yeah that sounds crazy but I cant help it. Hes a great person n no one has ever made me feel the way he does. I cant stop thinking bout him no matter what, hes on my mind all day. When hes hurting I'm hurting. I hate it when I cant be there for him n help him. All I want is to be apart of his life n help him be happy. Us both to be happy. I just don't know though how it will all work if we do try to get together because of our situation how we live n all that stuff. That part is hard. He says he really wants to be with me, that he wants me to be his n no one Else's n I want that to, so bad.. I told him that I loved him n he means alot to me n surprisingly he told me he loved me n he feels the same way. That he wants me to be with him. Its crazy how all of a sudden he just tells me all this stuff, its like b/c I told him i loved him it opened up a new door to what we have with each other.. I just hope that we meet like real soon and we can see how things will go from there n then ill know what I am going to do. He has been going through alot of stuff lately n he pretty much didn't talk to me for a week n shut me out of his life cause he was in so much pain n i figured he didn't like me or want me anymore so i started really talking to someone else n now I kinda like him too. We have been talking like maybe 4 or 5 days now alot like all day getting to know each other n everything n now hes crazy bout me bad n i do like him but i don't really know him. hell hes 9 hrs away from me, at least Adam is only 1/ but hes talking bout moving here again cause he use to live here but I just don't know..We have so much in commom its crazy..Ahh I am so confused now cause I like 2 guys but the diff is is that i already love Adam n i have been so crazy bout him since the day we started talking n i cant make those feelings go away..Ahhh the things i do to get myself in these kind of situations. I hope I can figure out what i want soon. I know once I meet them both ill know but I don't want anyone to get hurt n i know someone will n that's gonna hurt me.Ahh Im just so confused right now n i dont want to make the wrong chpice ya know cause i am tired of gettin hurt .

Depression Sucks!

Awww life can be so hard sometimes. I love the holidays but i hate all the stress that comes along with it. The worry of tryin to make sure the bills are paid n trying to come up with money to get my kids some christmas. Its so hard. Doing all this alone is really hard n it gets old sometimes. Being alone for the holidays this yr is gonna be really hard. I am not use to being alone, i mean i have my kids that I am thankful for but not having that someone to spend time with is hard. I just really want my kids to have a good christmas n so far its not looking to good. I havent gotten them the first thing cause i have no money to do it. If their dad would pay me the cs he owes i might could but that pos hasnt yet n its really pissin me off. Its not right for him to be that mean n do them that way. Its not fair that they have to do without cause hes so damn selfish n only cares bout his own needs n not them. Ahhh I swear I cant believe the losers that I have picked in my life. I just wish i could find the right one to make me happy. i have been talkin to this one guy for a few months now and I really do like him alot. We get along great, we have some things in common, he makes me smile like crazy n laugh alot till my face hurts. Ahh I think bout him all day, always on my mind,..but I still havent gotten to meet him yet n thats drivin me crazy. He says he really wants to meet me but sometimes I wonder ya know. Everytime we plan to meet something always comes up n Im starting to wonder if maybe thats a sign or something. I dont wanna feel like im waisting my time cause I care alot about him n I could see something bein there between us, who knows. I just dont know anymore, im really confused. I just dont wanna wait forever to meet someone that I really like n just wanna be close to n get to know better. Like right now he is going through so much crap n is really down n I just wish i could be there to hold him in my arms, just to show him that i do care n i am there for him no matter what. N even if something great dont happen between us like I wish I am still thankful that God has put him in my life n that at least i made a friend. I am scared of lettin another guy back into my heart but I am willing to take a chance cause I know I cannot sit here waiting forever for that great guy just cause i am to afraid of gettin hurt by someone. I wanna take chances n if it dont work out then well thats another chapter in my book that Ill get through. I just know that I really do like Adam n I am willing to take a chance on him cause I think he is worth it. I think he is just as lost n messed up as i am lol n maybe were good for each other and can help each other out. who knows...I just wish he lived closer cause then it would be easier..But anyways....I just hope some things work out for me cause im tired of worrying bout so much crap. I just wanna be happy for once in my life.

Tired of Everything!!

Just Tired of Everything!I just honestly dont know how to feel anymore. Im so confused and hurt. I try to stay positive n not let things get to me but damn its been so hard here lately. I have had to deal with so much shit that I really dont know how much more I can honestly take anymore. Im just fed up. Im tired of all the bs n I just want things in my life to be better n be happy. For the first time in my life since I was 16 I have been alone without a bf for almost 7 months now n most the time i am fine. But sometimes its really hard bein alone n not havin that special someone there to hold u n talk to you when u really need someone, when u just wanna be held n feel like everything will be alright. But I have no one. Honestly no one really wants me, they just want a piece of ass n Im just tired of bein used n im not gonna be anymore. I would rather be alone for the rest of of my life than put up with some guys bs n just be used n treated like shit. Im so over all that crap. My heart is still broken n i know I am not ready for a relationship yet though. I dont really trust anyone with my heart anymore, its been hurt so damn much. I am really tryin to take time for myself for once in my life n trying to heal myself before i jump into anything again. Im scared as hell to be hurt again n yes I know u have to take chances n not let the fear get to you but its so hard. Ahhh I just wanna cry so bad but I cant. I just wanna scream so bad but I cant do that either. Will i ever feel whole again or will I always just feel broken??. There is so much i wanna do for myself n for my kids but its so hard.. I wanna show my kids that i am a strong person n be a good mother to them, but sometimes I break down n they see it n I feel bad. They have been through so much cause alot of mistakes that I have made in my life n i dont want them bein hurt anymore either. Ahhhhh...anyways...I saw Blake today n talked to him in person n ahh i have to say this bout him..He LOOKED like SHIT..haha..Why was I ever attracted to that POS. Who knows!!! But yeah..Even though i am over Blake he still finds a way to hurt me n Im sick of it. Its really not the part bout him n Hannah n how he claims he so happy n they r so great together, I could care less bout that bs. Its the fact that he can be right next to his daughter n see how beautiful she is n you can tell he could really care less to see her at all. I said isnt she beautiful n he dont say shit I mean WTF..How can he be so fuckin heartless?? I dont get it. Shes such a precious baby n he dont even care. His first daughter n he dont care. It just tears me up inside to think bout how much he really dont care bout her. How can u make a baby n not want to be apart of her life. I know she dont deserve any of that crap, shes better off not knowing him or his family but it still bothers me n hurts me. Cause one day when shes old enough shes gonna be askin ??s n wondering why her father wasnt around n why didnt he care bout her enough...Ahh i dont have a answer to that. I ask myself that ?? evryday. Now hes saying that they are movin out of this state to get away ahhh that makes me mad cause hes running away n its not fair. If he really thinks that movin away is gonna make his life better he is stupid. He cant run away from takin care of his kids n if he tries he will get caught n trown in jail n if that happens i will laugh my head off cause he will deserve it. It would be nice if they moved away from me at least..i really dont see him movin out of state, hes an idiot. He will have his day..cause Karma is a bitch n he will feel the pain that he has put on others.